Thanks mom. I’m also getting too old not to be having sex. What’s wrong with my eyebrows? It’s not like I have a una-brow or anything like that. And I’ve seen the horrendous effects of excessive plucking and accidental waxing. Eyebrows are already weird enough, but then women go and make them look even weirder. I just don’t get it.
My mom expressed her concern about my eyebrows the same year my dad sat me down and told me that he and my mother would really like for me to see a gynecologist. I told them I would, but only if they paid for it. I didn’t have health insurance at the time and I wasn’t about to fork over money to be molested in the name of medicine.
My parents agreed to pay and so for my 24th birthday they gave a trip to the gynecologist. To date, it’s the most unique and worst birthday present I’ve ever received.
At the age of 29 I finally conceded to getting my eyebrows waxed, and even signed up for another gynecologist appointment on my own. (Gosh, I must be making my parents proud.)
But when I went in to see the doctor (a female doctor this time), she told me a pap smear wasn’t really necessary. She informed me it’s nearly impossible to get cervical cancer or an STD when you aren’t and never have been sexually active. That’s right. I’m a 30 year old virgin.
She performed the test anyway and a week later I received the results in the mail. Sure enough - I passed! I proudly showed my test results to several of my coworkers, successfully making my friend Rick feel horribly uncomfortable.
* Out take excerpt from the original version of I Hate Books On Christian Dating (when it was actually a book on dating rather than the book it has evolved into today.) I wrote that 5 years ago, and tonight I write this:
What I really could have used at age 24, and at 29 is a blood test, rather than a pap smear. But for some reason, the medical world decided some time ago, blood work isn't all that important for young women who are losing blood from their bodies on a regular basis.
I noticed in my early twenties I'd often get some sort of sickness each month on top of my normal period symptoms. As the frequency of illness with my periods increased, I looked online to see if there was a solution to prevent my above and beyond PMS ailments. But all I could find were discussion boards with other girls having similar sickness issues coupled with their periods.
Instead of finding a way to get healthy, I simply accepted my weakened immune system as part of being female. It made sense to me my body would have a difficult time fighting sickness after preparing an egg each month. This is "normal" and what women should expect - right?
Or is it?